Apology Framework
Original MEOW (mirroring, empathy, own your part, and word of cherishing) framework from Amanda Coleman
We all mess up. What’s important is how we clean it up. This is the framework for apologizing I enjoy using. When used well it gives the other person the safe container to unload the stories that have them hurting.
When someone is hurting, almost always you’ve stepped on a toe that was already sore. This gives you a window into true intimacy to hear their history. You get to be a pattern breaker. Well-done apologies build trust in a way nothing else can.
Mistakes are inevitable. Trust isn’t. This is how you make mistakes your best friend.
1. Mirroring
Ask the following questions one at a time. When she’s answered them, state back to her in your own words what you heard. Once she’s confirmed that you did hear correctly, ask if there’s anything else and repeat until you sense it’s time to move to step 2.
You want to know how this impacted them. Ask the questions you really want to know the answers to.
When I forgot the call, what was that like for you?
Was there anything in going on for you that made the timing worse?
Is there anything in your past that makes this a particularly sore topic?
Did I betray any values of yours or vows we made?
2. Empathy
Empathy is feeling with them, not for them or getting lost in your own feelings. If they’re sad, you don’t need to get lost in your own sadness. If you do so, they may have to switch their awareness to take care of you. This isn’t good.
The goal is for you to keep your awareness on them while you allow your animal body to be moved by their story. Keep your eyes on their face, especially their eyes. It can be helpful to name what you saw their body do, for example “your cheeks just flushed pink,” or “your eyes just filled up with tears.” Include noticing the rest of the body such as “you’re shaking your foot quickly” or “you balled up your fists when you said that.” Certainly, aim to better notice these details even if you don’t verbalize them.
NOTE: This is a huge note – if you say these statements with even a trace of judgment they will feel it and shut down. Your tone must be approving. You must hold a solid container that she feels safe in. If in doubt what do, hold her gaze and don’t say anything out loud. Say in your head an approving statement like “you’re so brave for telling me all this” and stay silent. She will feel the love coming her way.
If you’re new to this kind of noticing, only name things the physical body did. Until you get good at naming the basics, don’t go further into guessing. There’s enormous power right here.
Refrain from complex interpretations like “you’re angry with me because you think I’m just like your dad” which are likely to start a fight.
3. Own your part
Your shame blanket doesn’t keep them warm. It doesn’t keep anyone warm.
Prepare by introspecting about your own role in creating this dynamic. Demonstrate your self-awareness of how your patterns have operated.
Only proceed with this when her animal body has softened. She will look at you with a look that says “ok, now tell me what happened.”
Don’t tell her what happened. Don’t make excuses. DON’T minimize what you did or make it look like it was a logical choice. Don’t pretend you had no other choice.
Taking accountability looks different –
“I have done X many times. I didn’t understand how it was affecting you. Thank you for telling me.”
“I can see now that… “ and describe what you now know about how it affected her at the time that it happened.